It’s the middle of the Holiday Season. If that statement causes you stress you are probably actually in the majority. Even for those that love the holidays, this time of year can bring mixed feelings, stress, sadness and depression. This time for family and friends, this “most magical time of the year,” brings with it increased expectations and pressure, largely because it is “supposed to be” happy. Every cloud has a silver lining, but it can feel like only silver linings are allowed when the holidays come around. That just isn’t reality. Pretending the dark clouds aren’t there can leave one feeling alone and their feelings invalidated. The term “the holiday blues” exists precisely because it is a common feeling. You are not alone in feeling this way and keeping it to yourself will isolate you further. You don’t have to accept the expectations of loving the holidays or being happy all of the time. It can help to acknowledge what is hard for you about the holidays. Discussing this with people that you trust can be especially helpful, even freeing, and lead to less isolation and guilt.
Realistic Expectations
Having realistic expectations of the holidays, of yourself, and of others, can help prevent disappointment and crisis when things do go wrong. Just because it’s the holidays everything will not go right. Expecting everything to be perfect, magical, or just like you think you remember it being as a child creates too much pressure and sets you up to fail. We build up our expectations before any anticipated event to where they can’t possibly match our dreams. Even in the best of times, most anyone can feel let down when a much-anticipated event actually happens. However enjoyable, one can have thoughts like “is this it?” or “I thought it would be better.” And afterward, “it’s over, now what?” These thoughts are common, practically universal, and don’t mean that it was a bad experience. Nothing is all bad or all good and being mindful of this balance can help.
Social Demands/Stress
Try to make the holidays easy for yourself by getting an early start on the things you have to do and not asking too much of yourself. There is so much stuff to do this time of year that it can become overwhelming. The holidays can even be too much of a good thing with so many things to do and people to see that we cannot possibly do it all. Be realistic in planning how much you can do and plan ahead. Identify the things that are important to you that you really want to do and those that you really have to do. Next, which things do you not want to do? Set limits for yourself and don’t spread yourself too thin. You can always choose to do more when the time comes, but if you make everything a requirement then when you don’t do it all you’re likely to feel that you’ve failed. Plan for and focus on the parts of the season you enjoy to help balance the stress. Plan and make happen the things that you definitely want to do. Total avoidance does not work, but you don’t have to be in the holiday spirit all of the time. Plan yourself breaks for “me time,” and take care of yourself. This can be especially motivating and restorative following completing some things you felt you “had to do.”
Gift Giving
The pressure of gift giving can be a major stressor, whether it is the financial burden, feeling the need to find the perfect gift, or the stress of having to put the time and effort into shopping. Pleasing others through gift giving can become tied to one’s sense of self-worth. You cannot please everyone. Keeping this in mind can help manage expectations. Gifts should be about thoughtfulness. Someone being less pleased with a gift than you would like is beyond your control. Being honest with yourself about what you can comfortably give can help limit stress within your own life, which is something that you do have some control over.
Family Conflict
For some families getting together for the holidays can mean revisiting old hurts, grudges and family conflict. Awareness of what is likely to go wrong can be helpful for being prepared, but dreading and worrying about it can only ruin your enjoyment of the holidays leading up to it. It can help to set limits on what you will discuss and practicing limit setting and redirection statements. Hot button topics to avoid can include politics or any issues that tend to lead to conflict in your family. Attempts to discuss these issues can be responded with such statements as “I’m not talking about that today,” “this is a topic that usually leads to arguments, let’s talk about something else,” or “what I really want to hear about is…(insert something innocuous that the person you are talking to will likely enjoy talking about). It can also be helpful to commit to being an observer. Step back and observe the family dynamics without taking part. Focus on not being emotionally involved with the conflict as well. You are not responsible if other people are arguing and it is not your responsibility to fix it.
Grief
Holidays are largely about tradition and when someone is absent it is especially noticeable. It is common to struggle with grief and loss around the holidays. It can be helpful to be aware and prepared for this and not to try to avoid or deny it. Holidays can be a good time to honor the memory of a loved one and to share memories of them.
Having realistic expectations and acknowledging the bad with the good can help when it comes to coping with and trying to enjoy the holidays. Discussing your feelings about the holidays with others can help you to feel supported and better able to cope. Sharing your plans coping plan with someone supportive can help keep you focused on your coping plan and give you someone you can share your success and struggles with. If you or someone you know is feeling especially hopeless this holiday season, caring professionals are still available and want to help. Emergency rooms and 911 are always open, as well as crisis hotlines. The National Suicide Hotline can always be called at 800-273-8255 and even texted at 741-741.